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Saw this on Tumblr yesterday:

My brother was diagnosed with depression years before I was, and because of that he started therapy years before I did.
I still remember when I was a young teen and he was playing a Nirvana song and he stopped it at this one line: “I miss the comfort of being sad”
He told me that when you start to get better, there’s a part of you that misses being sad and that if you start feeling that way you have to be extra extra aware and careful because if you indulge the feeling you’ll go down a self-destructive spiral.

This really resonated with me as I’ve been doing things to improve my quality of life—fitness, career, getting daily creative with writing and drawing, which has been making me really happy—yet have lately been feeling overwhelmed. Like I was trying to do too much and I couldn’t possibly handle it all, and was frankly missing the numb out days. The comfort of being sad…or passive/numb in my case.

I’m still feeling that way, but I am realizing the danger in it and yet allowing myself to feel the grief or sadness to not be numb. I don’t want to return there.
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Well, Siri dictation didn't work this morning as the Notes app seemed to have a character limit, which I hit pretty quickly. I have another app I can try out, but I didn't want to mess with it while trying to drive, so it was back to podcasts. So I started notes as soon as I hit my desk...which seems about 300 at this point. I've ideas for the sequel to the book I'm currently writing, but the first idea for a central conflict/challenge is a little squicky for me, so I need to play with similar ideas as narratively it makes sense, it's just the theme/meta message that I don't like. I think I can just have it happen to a different character and it will work.

Random: Dear brain, yes Nico from the Runaways TV show is very much a goth Magic Girl. No we are not going to make a journal. Stop.

I've been listening to a lot of new podcasts, three of which have lesbian and/or queen hosts (Dyking OutLez Hang Out, Gotham Arcade). Part of this is research for the lesbian main in my story, and part of this is because I enjoy the casts. I mention this because I've also picked up a couple of comic/nerd podcasts and one of them is three women disusing comics (Girls Interrupting), and they are amazing and smart, but I was thrown when they talked of how hot Tommy HIddleson was as 'd been so used to the lesbian podcasts. I'm not sure if that was as funny as it was in my head.

OK...I'm off to a meeting.

bjornwilde: (Default)
One thing I was never told and have only now realized the value of, but as an adult with grownup responsibilities, you really need to schedule time that's just for you and only you. Otherwise, you day gets filled with work, and chores, and things for other peoples. There's value in these things of course, but all work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

So starting Monday I'm going to schedule two 15 breaks, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I mean to step away from my desk for these and either draw or write on my tablet. I also plan to step away from my desk for my lunch breaks, again using the time to write or draw as the mood strikes me; likely writing as I've got the word count goal for this year.

I've decided there are just too many distractions at my desk. I've also noticed that any creative surge I have before I hit my desk seems to disappear when I hit it. Not sure exactly why, and this is something I will need to unpack.

I also am going to start experimenting with Siri's dictation for notes during my commute as my writing brain seems to thrive in my car. This way I hopefully won't lose anything.

I also aim to practice my drawing skills with both pencil and paper, and digitally on the tablet. I've been having mixed results with the tablet, but I've come across a new app, Sketch by AutoDesk, which seems to be my jam and doesn't randomly make squiggly lines when I try to draw straight, like my last program. We'll see what my results are.

So yay? 
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I have trouble going from a media with motion to a static media. For example, I love Young Justice as a cartoon, but I just can't read the comic. Film/TV to book I can manage, I guess cause I am visualizing the action so it's in motion?

There are exceptions though; the recent Star Wars comics translate well for me. So maybe it's just the art need to have potential motion to it?

ETA: Thinking more on this, I think it stems from when the comic emulates the animation art style too closely. My brain just looks at it and thinks it should be moving but it's not.


Jan. 8th, 2019 08:16 am
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I think I figured out why the words weren't working yesterday. I was writing a scene where the main characters were being perfectly in character, but the side characters were not! I still need to have the mains do what they were doing, so I need to figure out how to get the sides to accept what the mains are doing. Normally this is insurmountable but I have world building on my side! Mwhahahah.

Vague post is vague.
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OK...well I got nearly 1k words and a crappy attempt at drawing a Celtic knot out. So wheee?
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Hey, writing brain. The check in for [community profile] getyourwordsout  isn't for a few weeks, we can stop panicking and freezing and maybe write now? Today? You have a list of scenes you woke me up last night with, let's work on them.
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So expanding on Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse....spoilers behind the cut for a neat surprise the movie managed, which even now is being kept pretty quiet.

Read more... )
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Into the Spider-verse was so good! I do have a couple quibbles but it was amazing and so well done. More later.

If you are photosensitive the title and end credit sequences might be a problem, as are several glitch effects during the film.  
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Lately I have ben pushing myself to be more that's not quite right. I've been pushing myself to externalize my creativity. Writing what I think will be at least one novel, maybe two, is where it started. Then I got the bug and picked up drawing again, with less success than the writing, but I am noticing how much more happy it makes me, even if I am not a fan of the drawings I've been doing. I'll get there, I just have to keep going.

One thing I haven't quite learned yet, or maybe accepted is the better word, is that making things takes time. Thinking of them or daydreaming is effortless and I can usually do it while I'm doing other things, but to actually spend the time at the keyboard or with the stylus in hand? Ugg...barbaric.

I am in inherently lazy person, so I've learned to trick myself out of being lazy. Or made deals with myself; i.e. Future you will appreciate this so much.

I am wondering how much of my inherent laziness is fear or insecurity though. As I work, especially with the drawing, the more I've noticed lots of crap I need to unpack and how uncomfortable the idea of sitting and drawing makes me. And the thing is, I know drawing makes me happy. Sharing it on my Instagram makes me happy. Just like threading and playing online RPG makes me happy. But I just get in this insecure mindset and freeze and then don't produce. And then feel bad for not producing...and then...and then

Breaking that cycle is tough but worth it and I will keep trying. Someday I need to write up the story of how an asshole PE coach ruined drawing for me. Oh hey, I should use that as a means to draw more. Spiting that bully. = )
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Surprise vacation means I am not working the rest of the year after today! \o/

It will be nice to sleep in and get things caught up around the house and the garden. I might even see about hitting an art museum and doing some sketching from pieces.


Dec. 14th, 2018 09:50 pm
bjornwilde: (Default)
 Yes! Bluetooth keyboard connects with tablet. Although this keyboard is small enough I am back to hunting and pecking for keys.
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Lately I've been feeling like I keep quiet so much I want to scream. Nothign major, just lots of little things that keep taking my time when I'd rather write or draw.

I'm glad to be reclaiming drawing though. I just wish my skills were up to the things I want to make. I know practice will get me there, as well as reminding myself that doing it is more important than doing it "right". I also need to find a way to just do the creative thing and not feel the need to be "in the mood", cause things are interrupting me so often lately.
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I didn’t get to draw today cause work was crazy and then the evening was a bunch of driving around. Gooey.  
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I've been watching She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, and loving it! Great writing and representation. And can I mention it's awesome that they had the male character where a top that covered his chest in the hot springs scene? I've three more episodes to go and I really hope they get a second season.

I think Entrapta is my favorite fo the new bunch, though Scorpia is a close second.
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With Tumblr shooting itself in the foot, where else am I going to get my firehouse of media, memes, and pretty art?
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Things I don't quite get....

So my old account for Izana, the gender queer scifi anime pup I had for a while, has been getting a rash of followers that are pretty likely to be bots. Same thing happened on LJ. I just don't get why they are attracting them and I wish DW had a means of blocking followers...oh wait, there is one.
Time to get busy.

bjornwilde: (Default)
The story I've been writing has a black, lesbian woman who is a necromancer named Nico.

I didn't clue in until today that the Asian magic user in Runaways is also named Nico.

Not sure if this is a close enough thing that I should rename, but I really like my Nico, who was named after the musician. It's also kind of fun as it's a bit of alliteration, Nico the Necromancer. /grump

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Health is heading towards very good places. I've been hitting a lot of yoga or yoga inspired mashup type group classes at the YMCA, which I am paying a family membership for. I'm already noticing a lot less knee and back pain, and my flexibility has vastly improved. I'm even noticing it's much easier for me to walk now. Like, before I always felt stiff but now I'm back to being the easy walking person I was ages ago. Seriously, I used to be able to walk from the Lower Haight to Northbeach in 45 minutes when I lived in SF, and now I'm heading back to that level of walking ability.

So will come the cardio.

I still am not a fan of downward dog, and likely never will be. I just don't do well with my head pointing down. It is getting easier though. I'm also a fan of warrior poses. Don't know why, they just feel right.

Writing has been progressing, although it's been 10 days since I've actually written anything. Lots of internal planning I need to get down. I would like my writing brain to stop changing the project though. Latest thing is to spin this world so that the First Peoples of the Americas have a lot more political clout, if not sovereignty. I think I have the basics of how, i.e. what happened differently to make this happen, but I am not sure I want to go there. Don't get me wrong, this is a very interesting idea to me and I love the idea of most of the people in my fictional San Francisco being much more ethnically diverse than is often shown. My current list of characters even supports this: (three white people, three African Americans, two Latina/Asians...okay, two of the white people are supporting characters, but still I am not being as diverse as I assumed.

Anyway, getting back on subject, I like the idea of this California not being run by people of white European dissent, but at the same time I am not qualified to portray or create a possible culture that develops from a Native Tribe or amalgam of several. I could just state this as fact and not go into details, which could work, but it goes deeper than that. Like, even city and street names would need to change cause why would they have Spanish names if the missions never happened or were overthrown? What would the city government be like? What would the technology be like? Or music? Would the city even look anything like the SF I know?

This all seems too big for a first novel.

ETA: And I think I've decided to include First Peoples in positions of power, like a police detective or college professor, and just imply by default that the native folk of the Americas are still around and in positions of authority and power.
bjornwilde: (TwinPeaks: Lynch thumbs up)
Dear Anxiety, could you stop now? I did the scary thing and asked the internet stranger how she felt about people using her likeness for art. She said she was cool with it and didn't bite your head off. Nothing is going to attack us, so stop.


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