Jun. 21st, 2017

bjornwilde: (i don't know what i expected)
And once more I am on another day of little sleep. Third day in a row now where I've only managed 6 hours and let me tell you, I am noticing a decrease in my mental faculties. (I had to pause there and figure out how to spell 'row'.)

In the quest of self improvement, I came across an essay about how anxiety can present as anger and it was like a light from above switched on. I've always been fearful of my temper, often thinking of it as the classic Irish stereotype, but all the times I've lost it or snapped, I'm usually feeling overwhelmed, threatened, or panicked. I need to dig deeper into this, but it seems legit and has helped me take a deep breath and step back when I feel like attacking or yelling.

I've also come to realize I suffer much more from impostor syndrome than fear or laziness when it comes to creative things. Like I know I am creative and always have ideas for making art or stories, I can't stop the ideas, but any time I think about making them happen, I hit a wall. I've always read it as fear of making the thing badly or a general laziness, i.e. writing takes so long, but i think it's more a little voice in my head telling me I'm faking it. I'd like to know where I got that voice so I can pommel it.

OK. Time for pain meds, caffeine, and music to see if I can find my way out of my mental fog.
bjornwilde: (The Scarlet Siouxsie)
 Part of my recent self care is trying to do a daily meditation. Nothing huge, just five minutes in the car before I walk into work. Today I forgot and so just took five minutes in my cube, using a guided meditation on youtube. The search 5 min meditation auto filled to either "5-min calming meditation" "5-min mindfulness meditation" or "5-min goth meditaion"...wait, what? I'm all for dark expressions and aesthetics, but goth meditations?

Of course I had to look and there was no results that were actually goth, but I am amused that someone had to have entered that search stream right?

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