(no subject)

Six - you close your eyes
Five - control your breath
Four - you feel the warmth
Three - relax your mind
Two - feel safe
One - now you are here

I love this band. Yes they use alot of the same elements that modern EBM uses. And, yes I am not much of a fan of today's EBM. But these guys are somehow different to me, they seem more Dark Wave then EBM. Maybe it's just that I like them.

Anyway been a long time since I've written anything or read my friends journals. Too into my own head I guess.

So what's up....Been fighting Blah-ness, succeeding and failing. Missing socializing and clubbing a lot. Missing having a job and feeling like I am pulling my weight. Miss not being the only one who does the dishes ;]

I also slipped, no tripped. No I fell into what I have always seen as a pit. I know I am alcoholic and in knowing and accepting that long before I "crash" like most addicts I have watched my limits and kept clear to keep myself from crashing. I came too close to screwing the pooch last Thursday. I got way drunk and stayed up way too late when I was needed the next day. In my drunken state I convinced myself I could handle it all with only an hour or two of sleep. I would have been able to do this if I hadn't been drinking all night and working with a hangover. Trouble is I pissed off Zoe which I am sure you guys read about. It is frustrating also cause I swear I only meant to have one drink and go to bed. Too late for that now.

I've had a couple of nibbles as far as jobs go. One is for a company called Maxim and would be designing ads and manuals for the tech trade magazines. I have already interviewed and they liked me enough to have me apply and for them to start a back ground check on me. Good thing I have no felonies. ;] The other is for the Santa Clara Family Medical something. I interview with them next Tuesday and funny thing is I am not sure exactly what the job is. I forgot to ask the person when they called and I have not received a reply to my email. Oh well I guess I will find out when I show up.

Dream Analyses Time!
This afternoon/early evening while taking a nap I had this dream. It was weird.....

I was walking in an under pass like the ones around the Palo Alto train station but longer. It was dark and a car drove by and swerved onto the sidewalk, close enough that I thought I was going to get hit but then it went off back to the road. Then I saw these two bikes coming towards me. The riders were dressed oddly. The first was black and wearing a red out fit with red bunny ears and a white circle on his chest with an N in the middle of it. The second was white and was wearing a blue outfit with bat ears and a yellow circle with a L on his chest. They rode by me and I said "Those drivers need to be more careful." They said that was why they wear wearing the outfits.
They rode by and when I got to the other side of the underpass they were there again and I said " You're a Noid and you're a Lert aren't you?" They smiled and asked if I wanted to come with them. I said yes and then we were in a car going to SF with the two driving.
I was in the back seat with a blond yuppie type woman and behind us was another yuppie type guy. The two bike riders were now dress yuppie style. The woman offered me some alcohol and I said "Thanks but no." She then offered me some drugs but I don't remember which kind. I politely refused again.
I was thinking we were to high up the peninsula to get to the Caltrain tracks to follow them get to the freeway and just as I was about to point this out we ran into a Bart station. Literally. The stairs going down to into appeared in front of us and we drove down them in a panic. We stopped the car just in time to prevent us from hitting a group of Japanese tourists waiting for the Bart train. The inside of the station looked more like a Airport terminal then a Bart station. I was thrown from the car and landed in front of one of the Japanese woman who gave me a frightened flirting look.

Then I woke up. Weird dream. Any thoughts?

Anyway, SD6 again.

I live your dream

Dream time again...
Okay so this morning I had another weird dream. This one was kinda like the Movie Lake Placid. I had moved to a "Hippy/Pagan" comune with some child of mine. I think it was more of a break from City life not a perminate move. Anyway we were acepted with "perfect love". I move into a cottage and in the process of unpacking an alligator comes. It is chasing me and my child till I throw some food at it and it goes away.

Next thing I know it's grown to giant perportions like the aligator in Lake Placid. It goes on a rampage and several people from the comune get hurt. Eventually the critter gets traped into a pickle jar, don't ask me how. The leader of the comune packs everyone up and deserts me and my child in quite a huff of anger. As they are leaving I say "So much for perfect Love."

After they leave I throw the pickle jar into the lake and the alegator gets free. Then I wake up.

Reality.
I find myself trying to figure out why I drink. I know I like the taste. I know I like drinking with friends. Sometimes I drink to take a break from things. Not to make them go away, just to get away from them for a while. In the past I have drunk to feel something. I have drunk when I was depressed and I have drunk out of boredom. I know I like drinking by myself, it's a way to give myself a treat.

But what is the underlying reason I drink? I have lots of answers with not real truth. I know there are times I don't want to drink, like now. I know I don't want to never drink again. I know I can not do the AA thing, been there didn't drink the KoolAid. Hrmmmm.

SD-7 though. And I am feeling better today. My shoulders hurt from doing Tae-Bo yesterday though.

I am also being tempted to fast for a while. Clean out the system and all.

And now for something different. I find myself really liking the idea of running or playing in a "Gaslight" game of Changeling, i.e. Changelings at the turn of the century.

Do any of you find you pick the mood by the Emoticon more then the word for the mood?
Time to go work.