New favorite thing from literature
Nov. 21st, 2011 01:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bjornwildeFrom Hammered by Kevin Hearne.
This is a mental conversation between the main character Atticus (in italics) and his Irish wolfhound Oberon (in brackets).
Ferris (an iron elemental) thinks about faeries the way you think about pork products.
[Whoa. Are you telling me faeries taste like bacon?]
No, there's only one thing that tastes like bacon-
[-and that's bacon!]
Right. I'm merely drawing the comparison. Iron eats magic, and faeries are magical creatures born on a magical plane. So when I serve up some faeries to Ferris, it's the same thing as giving you one of those Bacon Explosion things and chasing it with a nice bacon latter.
[You've never done that for me! Why haven't you done that for me?]
Because I can't. Bacon lattes don't exist.
[Untrue! Logically it must be so. Vampires exist, were-wolves exist, then so do bacon lattes! We could go get one at Starbucks right now.]
Oberon, seriously, I don't believe there's any such thing. I was just making a point.
[You can't fool me! It has to be on their secret menu! That mermaid on the cup is smiling because she knows where the bacon lattes are!]
Come on, Oberon, you're being silly.
[No, I'm not! What silly is paying five bucks for hot milk and flavored syrup! But now I see what's really been going on all this time! They charge you all that money because they need it for R&D! Somewhere on the outskirts of Seattle, there's a secret facility with higher security than Area 51, and inside there are men with poor eyesight and bad haircuts wearing white lab coats, and they're trying to make the Holy Grail of all coffee drinks.]
The bacon latte?
[No, Atticus, I already told you those exist! I'm talking about the prophecy! "Out of the steam and the foam and the froth, a man in white with poor eyesight will craft a liquid paradox, and it shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-cheese Mocha!"]
Oberon, what the fuck?
This is a mental conversation between the main character Atticus (in italics) and his Irish wolfhound Oberon (in brackets).
Ferris (an iron elemental) thinks about faeries the way you think about pork products.
[Whoa. Are you telling me faeries taste like bacon?]
No, there's only one thing that tastes like bacon-
[-and that's bacon!]
Right. I'm merely drawing the comparison. Iron eats magic, and faeries are magical creatures born on a magical plane. So when I serve up some faeries to Ferris, it's the same thing as giving you one of those Bacon Explosion things and chasing it with a nice bacon latter.
[You've never done that for me! Why haven't you done that for me?]
Because I can't. Bacon lattes don't exist.
[Untrue! Logically it must be so. Vampires exist, were-wolves exist, then so do bacon lattes! We could go get one at Starbucks right now.]
Oberon, seriously, I don't believe there's any such thing. I was just making a point.
[You can't fool me! It has to be on their secret menu! That mermaid on the cup is smiling because she knows where the bacon lattes are!]
Come on, Oberon, you're being silly.
[No, I'm not! What silly is paying five bucks for hot milk and flavored syrup! But now I see what's really been going on all this time! They charge you all that money because they need it for R&D! Somewhere on the outskirts of Seattle, there's a secret facility with higher security than Area 51, and inside there are men with poor eyesight and bad haircuts wearing white lab coats, and they're trying to make the Holy Grail of all coffee drinks.]
The bacon latte?
[No, Atticus, I already told you those exist! I'm talking about the prophecy! "Out of the steam and the foam and the froth, a man in white with poor eyesight will craft a liquid paradox, and it shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-cheese Mocha!"]
Oberon, what the fuck?
